


They Walk Alone

by xama



Category: Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: M/M, Songfic, Temporary Character Death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-01
Updated: 2017-10-01
Packaged: 2019-01-07 13:05:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,447
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12233448
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xama/pseuds/xama
Summary: A five year mission. Decades apart - then thrown together again.Kirk and Spock. They walk a lonely road, but sometimes it intersects.





	They Walk Alone

**Author's Note:**

> Song used is pretty obviously Boulevard of Broken Dreams by Green Day.
> 
> Thanks to Chairman-Obama on tumblr for both the cover-art and proofreading!

 

_I walk a lonely road_

_The only one that I have ever known_

- 

Vulcans held themselves to a high standard, emotionally, professionally, and physically. Among Vulcans, Spock was either too emotional, or seen as trying too hard to conceal his emotions - and in that act of concealment, seen as betraying his emotions.

If you ask your average human, Vulcans were detached, emotionless computers. They’d consider Spock a prime example of the Vulcan mindset. Admirable, yes. Enmity towards him would be illogical, as he obviously means no harm. But there’s also no reason to befriend him, after all, why would a computer need friends?

-

_Don’t know where it goes_

_But it’s only me and I walk alone_

-

James Kirk is many things. A (former) starship captain. An Admiral. A lover, a father, a friend. 

He was many things. All he is now, in this moment, with his hand to the glass, as his best friend, his first officer, the Enterprise's captain sacrifices himself for the good of the ship?

-

_I walk this empty street_

_On the boulevard of broken dreams_

_Where the city sleeps_

_And I’m the only one, and I walk alone_

-

Spock looked at Vulcan one last time. Logically speaking, it wasn’t the last time; the federation was not at war, escalating hostilities with the Klingons notwithstanding, and the Romulan neutral zone continued to be respected by both sides. 

Yet, somewhere deep inside Spock, in a part not filled with logic, it felt like it was the last time he’d look at his home. Technically speaking, it was the first time he was looking at his home, rather than an image or a video, he should be taking this opportunity to observe his world firsthand. Yet all he does, all he feels, is an increasing sense of melancholy. He was leaving all that he knew. 

-

_I walk alone I walk alone_

_I walk alone I walk a_

-

Admiral. It was a promotion, an honor that few starship captains get. It also meant a desk job, no more exploring, no more ship. No more crew. Kirk wasn’t sure if he could accept it, even though it was almost unheard of to refuse.

No more Enterprise, no more Scotty worrying about the engines, no more Checkov talking about Russian inventions—no more Spock. Although, Spock wouldn’t be there… He’d seen leaving as the most logical course of action, had been able to walk away from all the friendships he’d made, for whatever he saw as the greater good…. Shouldn’t Jim be able to do the same? Wasn’t it his duty to do the same?

-

_My shadow’s the only one that walks behind me_

_My shallow heart’s the only thing that binds me_

_Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me_

_Till then I walk alone_

-

Spock was hesitant about very few things in life. When Starfleet became an option, he joined. Rejecting all those promotions wasn't a choice, not really. His place was as first officer of the enterprise. But now, this decision? The decision that would decide Spock's future? Hesitance.

Should he leave? Abandon years of hard work, over five years of friendship, just walk out on Captain Kirk? Soon-to-be admiral Kirk. Or, more likely, soon-to-be the second captain in Starfleet history to refuse admiralship. Captain Kirk was strongly attached to his ship, and to its crew. And the crew, all of them were just as attached to him. Willing separation was highly unlikely. 

It was clear to Spock that the admiralty need someone new, someone relatively young and full of morals and a resolve to change the Federation’s pseudo-imperialistic ways. That was one of the main reasons that Spock joined, and he knows that Jim Kirk is the best man for the job. Better than him, certainly; Spock couldn’t even keep his own emotions in check.

Leaving may be the best course of action, whether or not it changed Jim’s decision. Spock was… compromised.

- 

_I’m walking down the line_

_That divides me somewhere in my mind_

- 

Abraham Lincoln just died. Intellectually, Jim knew that history may be irrevocably changed. Intellectually he lamented the fact that he wouldn’t get to talk at length to his hero. But he knew that he couldn’t mourn now, he couldn’t mourn possibilities. He had to act - had to make sure he and Spock got out alive. 

Whatever force had brought them here wanted a fight, surely. Whatever force brought them here would get a fight.

-

_On the border line of the edge_

_and where I will walk alone_

-

“I shall not attempt to voice the quality of the respect and admiration Captain Kirk commanded. Each of you must evaluate the loss in the privacy of your own thoughts.” Although he only said those words a few short hours ago, he still felt the loss.

Even though captain Kirk had been found and was recovering in the sickbay, Spock still felt like he was mourning. And he was, he was mourning. Spock hadn’t really let himself mourn earlier, at the time holding together the broken crew was more important. All that emotion was coming to the fore now. Humans may be able to do an emotional 180, but Spock was not.

And although the captain survived this time, against all the odds, there was no guarantee he’d survive the next time something like this happened. And unless Jim left Starfleet right now to become a wandering philosopher/street brawler, a situation similar to this was going to happen again.

The captain was going to be in danger, and Spock wouldn’t be able to do anything about it.

 -

_Read between the lines_

_What’s fucked up and every thing's alright_

_Check my vital signs, know I’m still alive_

_And I walk alone._

-

Spock was alive. Alive! In a sense, at least. He was conscious - sometimes. And so was Bones-when Spock wasn’t. And sometimes when he was. But that didn’t matter; Spock was alive, and they were going to find his body. Easy, they’d done this before, except last time they didn’t have the brain.

David was studying the planet where Spock’s body was - they’d be able to talk, to connect. Things were looking up.

- 

_I walk alone, I walk alone_

_I walk alone and I walk a_

_My shadow’s the only one that walks behind me_

_My shallow heart’s the only thing that binds me_

_Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me_

_Till then I walk alone_

-

This new life, this new chance. And Spock knows nothing. Some would say he feels nothing, but that’s increasingly not true.

He’s confused, he doesn’t remember much. He barely remembers Admiral Kirk, and that seems to upset him. It’s upsetting Spock, and he doesn’t even know what he forgot. He knows the Captain is throwing himself into this search for whales, trying to forget what happened to his son. It's going to catch up to the Admiral sooner rather than later.

When that happens, Spock will be there. If he’s as close to the Captain as Spock’s mother and the other crew members implied, he’ll make sure he’ll be there, and never leave the Admiral’s side again.

 -

_I walk alone, I walk a_

_I walk this empty street_

_On the boulevard of broken dreams_

_Where the city sleeps_

_And I'm the only one, and I walk alone_

- 

George Samuel Kirk, deceased. His wife, Aurelan, deceased. Peter was alive; he’d have to be sent to his grandparents, a starship was no place to raise a child. Peter’s siblings were unaccounted for, hopefully they were off-world.

It seemed like everyone he knew before becoming a captain was dying when he met them again. Even Gary was gone now. Maybe it was symbolic: as Jim grew and became a leader, became a new and hopefully better person, he had to shed the old parts. Even if it hurt. And it hurt so much. The life of a colonist was supposed to be safer than a soldier, they’d even joked about Jim dying first. There was no way to predict that Sam would predecease him. Jim wanted to scream, roll around on the ground, shout and gnash his teeth. But how could he, when Spock was blind, possibly for life? When Spock went through this at least partly because of him.

Soon, Jim would know that Spock had forgotten a useful quirk of his own anatomy. Soon, he’d know everything would be alright. But now, he silently stood by his first mate’s side. Silent, strong. Sad.

- 

_My shadow’s the only one that walks behind me_

_My shallow heart’s the only thing that binds me_

_Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me_

_Till then I walk alone_


End file.
